Me isn't WHO I want to be, ME isn't WHERE I want to be ... So What's Left?

I don't feel much like working these days.

I don't feel much like getting dinner ready.

I don't feel much like blogging.

I don't feel like getting out of bed.

But I do.

I'm crap at pretty much everything I do lately, but I push myself to be the uncrappiest I can be.

Because of Smilin' Vic.  Because of Kiddo.  

And somewhere, deep down inside, because of me I guess.

Because if I don't at least try, what's left?

I'm not happy with me for a number of reasons.  Middle-age spread, lethargy, inability to get over the loss of my Dad, non-productivity at work, inability to be there enough as a mom for Kiddo, inability to be the wife Smilin' Vic deserves.  There are more reasons, but those are the ones that really count ... in reverse order.

I'm not happy with the ME for a number of reasons.  Dust, heat, traffic, nepotism, cronyism and favoritism.  Insecurity, instability, general unrest.  A society where I am the oddball because I have a career; a society where I can't openly practice my religion.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but my past professional experience with DSM-IV tells me that chances are I'm suffering from some form of depressive disorder.  

I don't enjoy socializing; I'd be quite happy to stay in bed all day.  The exercise that used to motivate and invigorate me now seems like a burden; an added burden to the growing list of unaccomplished tasks at the end of the day.  The moments of culinary bliss that I used to cherish in the kitchen seem pointless and ill-spent as I throw a microwave dinner or bowl of cereal on the table these days.

There is a SADNESS that is engulfing every single waking moment.  And those waking moments take up more and more of my day.

Smilin' Vic has always touted my ability to sleep through anything.  Nothing disrupts my ability to sleep ... NOTHING.  Except years ago when I was stuck in a failing marriage with a sense of drowning and despair.  

And except now.

I sleep, but I wake every hour.  My dreams are angry, frustrated and chaotic.  I awaken at 3:00 a.m. and can't fall back asleep.  When the alarm rings at 5:00 a.m. I click on snooze methodically, repeatedly, and when 6:00 a.m. finally rolls around I would give anything just to stay in bed and sleep through the day.

I don't want to be HERE, but I don't know where I want to be.  So I carry on HERE.  Hoping it will carry me somewhere.  Somewhere better.  Somewhere happier.  Somewhere I want to be.

Tomorrow, Saturday, we'll celebrate Easter here in the ME.  We won't celebrate on Sunday because we have to work; it's not a day off.  We'll have a few friends over, cook a ham - yes, we can now buy pork products in Qatar at the naughty booze shop.  The kids will decorate Easter eggs and go on a little egg hunt, and I'll throw myself into making it feel like Saturday is Easter SUNDAY.  I'll keep on keeping on.

Tonight, I pushed myself to play board games with Kiddo.  Her laughter was so genuine, her feelings so true.  I sounded fake even to myself as I laughed along with her, but I'm not going to let this get the best of me.  I will fake it 'til I make it.  

I'm not used to being unhappy.  It's not my nature.  Dissatisfied, yes.  Frustrated, yes.  But unhappy?  Never before ...

I KNOW I have EVERY reason to be happy.  I have a MILLION reasons to be happy.  I have maybe 20 reasons to be sad.  WHY do those 20 trump the 1,000,000?  HOW do those 20 trump the 1,000,000?

NOBODY knows how much I don't want to be 'Me' right now.  NOBODY knows how much I don't want to be in the 'ME'.  

But I'm not a quitter.  I will find 'Me' again, and I will learn to love 'Me' again.  In the 'ME' or elsewhere.

In the meantime, I may write, or I may not.  I have a feeling I may not for quite a while.  At least not on this blog.

I think the time has come to step away for a bit and re-group.  Keep a personal journal in those moments where I feel I 'have to let it out' and walk away from social media in general for a while.

And hopefully one day get back to giving rather than sapping.  Giving to my family, to my friends, to my readers and to myself.

If you've followed me in the past, thanks.  If you've read this far tonight,  thanks.  From the bottom of my heart.

And good night.  

From me.  From the ME.  For a while.