Written on December 31, 2016 .... posted on January 12, 2017. I'd forgotten I'd written this. Apparently even in a drunken stupor I remembered not to drink and post ...
If I could start again,
and wipe my slate,
I wouldn't change a single thing.
All around me, people are headed for a resolution: ''I won't do on January 1st what I'm dying to do to excess on December 31st.''
''I won't drink, I won't eat, I won't smoke, I won't laze about ...''
''For at least a month or so ...''
''I'll go to the gym every day.'' ''I'll eat nothing but fish and salad.'' ''I'll speak in soft tones always.'' ''I'll read a book a week.'' ''I'll stay on top of the housework.'' ''I'll write a blog post at least once a week.''
But after 46 years, I've finally realised that I'm crap at resolutions. I've realised that I don't keep them. I've realised that I set out every year to start afresh as someone who's actually got her shit together. I've realised that I start off every year striving to be someone and something that I'm not; I've realised that my resolutions usually have nothing to do with being a better me, but more to do with convincing myself that if I change ONE thing, my life will be all the better.
I've realised that my life has gotten better through commitment to what I already do well. Through years of resolve. Through dedication to what and who I love. Through reflection. Through belief. Through faith. Through mistakes.
Not through a one-day resolution.
I've resolved this year to give up on resolutions. Mostly because I've figured out I always make crap ones that don't amount to anything.
I've realised that everything I've gained, everything I've earned, everything I've loved has come from something much more profound than a one-day promise.
It's come from the friendships I've built, the heartaches I've had.
It's come from the realisation that life can suck, and a conviction that life always has something better to offer.
It's come from studying hard, and from letting myself go with the flow and dance to the music.
It's come from hitting the jackpot, and from losing every single thing I owned.
It's come from desperation, and it's come from rebuilding a life from nothing.
It's come from cursing the heavens, it's come from thanking my lucky stars.
It's come from feeling I was completely and utterly alone, and from ultimately believing there was someone, something out there hearing my cries.
But never once did what I have come from a resolution.